FIFTY SHADES OF KNACKERED

It’s been a mad couple of weeks and I haven’t had time to even think about blogging.  So much has been going on I haven’t been able to tell my arse from my elbow and it’s an ongoing whirlwind. But thought I would try to get something down and before you ask ..no not those..I haven’t had the opportunity or the time and it needs remedying very soon.

Our trip to the South of France for my nieces wedding was a few days away. With the long train journey planned with military precision we got our suitcases packed our nails painted and our bikini lines in apple pie order.   Well I don’t know about apple pie I got a bit carried away with the depilatory cream and ended up looking rather like a nectarine all smooth and hairless. Tricky things bikini lines so many options to consider.  There’s the Mohican take out the sides and leave the top..The landing  strip( or Brazilian) ..Take out sides and some of the middle leaving just enough to look like a grown woman and the Hollywood (although in my case the nectarine) all off ..Bald as a badger. (I never did understand that saying Badgers are covered in hair aren’t they?)

Having tried both shaving and waxing I had settled on the cream because it’s the only thing that doesn’t bring me out in a rash.  I mean what is the point of tidying up down there only to replace hair with a load of spots. Anyway for once my ginger status was disguised! Not sure I like the hairless look but my clumsy application of cream had made the decision for me. Anyway it grows back soon enough.

We set off at 4am on Friday morning and after three cab rides, Euro tunnel and four and a half hours on a TGV with a lively Matilda we eventually arrived at Chateau les Carrasses absolutely knackered but blown away the views and the place itself. It really had the wow factor. Our accommodation was like a fairy castle and was beautifully furnished. We had our own pool and the sun was shining. Hooray!

The bride and groom had organized a welcome Barby for all the guests and we spent a lovely evening drinking French wine and eating dubious and unrecognizable pieces of meat cooked by the chef. All part of the experience..Lots of French bread of course.  It gave family and friends time to mingle before the big day.

We did a lot of entertaining in the next few days as our house was the hub..Children and the family just seemed to be coming and going all day so we opened wine..made tea and food and got on with it.  The wedding day was soon upon us and with it a strong wind which meant that the wedding breakfast had to be moved inside but other than that oh! I forgot and the cake collapsing it was a beautiful service in a wonderful setting.  We danced our socks off till the early hours and then crept into bed.

In between the festivities I was trying to get into the “Fifty Shades of Grey” books that everyone was talking about.  There was certainly some steamy bits but found it somewhat repetitious and hated the Americanised slang.  Certain chapters bored me to death but I decided to keep going and am now wading through book two which has a few more sides. There is so much sex in it that even I was thinking “not again surely” You can only describe the sexual act in so many variations as I know from my own book.  The added hook of course in the “Grey” books is the S and M. Although getting beaten has never been my idea of fun. But I have already surmised that the ending will involve Mr. Grey and the Exquisite Anastasia walking off into the sunset hand in hand! According to one agent I spoke to “Jo public”  likes a happy ending it reinforces their own boring lives.  My book doesn’t have a happy ending in the conventional sense as I don’t have a Mr. Right and this makes it difficult for the reader apparently. Well I hope “Jo Public”  enjoys their happy ending, me I’d rather live in the real world where life’s a bitch and then you die.  The only answer is to have as many life enhancing experiences as you can, find joy in the small things and dance like no one is watching.

But at least reading the books has spurned me on a bit with regards to my book and I really must give it another push. Of course reading about all that sex is likely to make you feel rather in the mood and with that in mind I return from France with the intention of getting my hands on Irish. Having had a long phone conversation just before I went I was hopeful he would be forthcoming (in more ways than one). I sent him a “I’m back text” and heard nothing.  Three days later I sent another..Still nothing..With my anxiety levels rising thinking that maybe he had returned to Ireland early I spent the next few days in a state of flux.

I was also trying to arrange dates with two potential candidates for the TV documentary. I was speaking to them both but with time of the essence it was proving difficult and as yet not resolved and with Ascot looming the big debate on dresses, fascinators and handbags is underway. Shall I wear the green or the pink? What shoes? It’s a long day they need to be comfortable but stylish. Having settled on the Green I am now scouring eBay for a suitable head-piece.  Kate’s in Black and Fusica Laura in Black and Royal Blue, Olivia in Black and Coral Trudy is in bright Blue, Michelle is still deciding and the long-range forecast is looking hopeful. We may not need the pac -o-macs after all.

My anxiety has just been leveled with a phone call from the missing Irishman praise be!”So the week ahead is looking lively..I need to meet the two potential dates for the TV show..source a jade green and black fascinator and buy some champers, get my Irish eyes smiling, spend the day at Ascot, go to a birthday bash, have the trees cut down in the garden so that sky can come and fit the bloody dish at last!  And to round off the week.. go to the Hackney Weekend Festival run by Radio 1 with Rihanna and Ed Sheeran headlining oh and work of course! Quiet week for me then Ha! The next blog should be bit more interesting and if ever I get off my knees I will write it!!

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