ABSENT FATHERS The Tale of A Violent Marriage part 3

After that first memorable occasion in the mini our ‘affair’ became a passionate and sex driven business.  We took every opportunity to be on our own and would volunteer for extra shifts at the pub so we could sneak off at the end of the night and  make love where ever we could.  I became an expert on dark lanes and secret hiding places for cars to park.  We were never alone though its seems many others were also ‘at it’ and often there were loads of us dotted about in the darkness it was like a secret club.

A friend of mine had started an affair shortly after me and we used to alibi each other . Going out together and coming home together but NOT spending the evening in each others company. I remember one very cold and frosty night we were parked close together  in a dead-end lane close to a farm.  I needed a pee so  wearing nothing but my fur coat, I clambered out of the mini only to find her doing the same a few yards away..it was not very glamorous. But giggling loudly we both did the deed and got back in our respective cars.

My home life became business like, I took care of my children cooked and cleaned and kept my head down being careful not to provoke my husbands wrath.  My nights out increased but then so did his, the mistress stepping up her game.  I presume that she actually thought she was getting away with the deceit and when I saw her, which I did most days I acted as if nothing was wrong.  She used to come out with the people I socialised with and one day we ended up in her flat and she offered my lover and I use of her bed. We immediately left the others and went upstairs.  A bed was a luxury not to be turned down.  I remember the magical feeling of being completely naked with him under the sheets for the first time. The sensory delight of  skin on skin was heavenly. It occurred to me that it was quite likely that my husband may well have laid beneath those very same sheets the night before but just for the moment I was able to push that thought from my mind. The joys of unfettered naked sex was all I wanted.

That soon changed when I arrived home that night.  Creeping upstairs in the early hours and quietly slipping into the marital bed as I had done many times before I lay as usual without moving lest I should disturb the man lying next to me. Usually he was sleeping soundly but not tonight.  As his hand came across my body and he started to stroke my thighs I tried hard not to recoil but inside I was cringing. No! No! not after the bliss I had just experienced. But I knew refusing would bring his anger and resentment upon me. Through gritted teeth I went through the motions hating every minute. I knew that I couldn’t carry on.  I was in love with Max and although I didn’t really think we had a future it was proof that the marriage was dead. But how could I get out ?. My husband was never going to just let me go.

February came and went.  Max presented me with Roses on Valentines day that I had to keep elsewhere and as his feelings for me deepened he became more and more unhappy about my married status.  I was in a mess and couldn’t see a way out.

One Tuesday I was working and Max came in the pub to see me.  He seemed pensive and was acting oddly.  My stomach lurched, what was wrong ?.  Finally once we were alone he calmly told me that he couldn’t see me any more.  He just could not deal with all the sneaking around and hated the fact  I was still married. I had realised early on that he was a very jealous person.  I felt like I had been knifed in the stomach. I pleaded and begged trying hard to hold back the tears that refused to do as they were told.  He remained calm and indifferent and finally added that he had already found himself a new girlfriend of a similar age.  Having wielded  the fatal blow he drove me home as if we had just been talking about the weather and as I fell apart he made a half-hearted attempt at comforting me but was withdrawn and icy.  I got out of the car my head spinning.  I had to pull myself together!  I had to try and act normally.  I felt sick to my stomach as I stood forlornly watching his car disappear into the darkness.

I wiped my face trying to stop the shaking and decided the best thing was to plead illness. I was back earlier than usual so I went in and said that I had a tummy bug and had been sent home.  I could see the puzzled look on his face and I knew he did not believe me. Rushing past him I went into the bathroom and threw up.

The next few weeks passed in a haze I couldn’t eat or sleep and lost weight. My obvious distress caused my husband to become even more unsettled and his behaviour became odd and extreme.  One day I screamed at him for something he had done and he broke down and cried like a baby .  It was then that I realised that he was on the verge of a breakdown.  I was terrified that his violence would erupt and this time he wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t help him there was nothing left for me to give.

Easter bank holiday weekend loomed and he was acting very oddly.  I realised that the mistress had gone AWOL and he was turning all his attention on me.  Over reacting to everything I did and being over zealous with chastising the children I decided that I just had to go. It was a sunny Saturday morning and he was watching me closely.  I said as normally as I could that I though I would take the kids to the park.  He didn’t want me to go out it was as if he read my mind and knew my intentions.  As he raised his voice the children scared and afraid lined up behind me.  I knew if I tried to leave he was going to stop me so I suggested that he came as well.  I just needed to get out into the open. He said fine and we all left together. The park was five minutes away. Once we got there I got the kids together in a huddle and told them to run to their aunt’s house that was the other side of the park and through the gate. Sensing the drama about to unfold they did exactly as I told them.

Seeing them leave he turn to me and said coldly “What’s going on?” ?  as he came towards me I stepped backwards, finding my voice I said quietly  “I’ve had enough, it’s over I’m leaving you”.  As his faced changed from despair to rage I turned and ran.  I ran for my life as fast as I could, through the park gates to my sister’s house banging on the door.  Apologising, as she let me in I began to cry.  A few minutes later the hammering began.

broken

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