Just when I thought I was over him …..

I have made no secret of my preferences for the younger man and in the last three years I have enjoyed myself to the full. Dating a number of gorgeous toyboys  and revelling in my new-found freedom.  Of course despite my best intentions and warnings from friends it was inevitable that somewhere along the way I was going to get just a teeny-weeny bit attached to someone or in my case some two.  A good friend of mine with some experience in the field advised me not to date exclusively as sitting around waiting for toyboys can be frustrating and irritating, plus you reason with yourself that you are just in it for the fun and great sex. But when find yourself in a cycle of seeing the same guy over and over and its working well you wake up one day and realise you are emotionally attached. You know its ridiculous..and you berate yourself for being so stupid but it’s too damn late…the emotions reach out like tentacles from an octopus and grip you vice like,  reminding you everyday how unfair life can be.  But having put myself in the firing line I just have to take my punishment like the woman of the world  that I’m supposed to be.

Having lost visitation rights from both my favorite toyboys as they had moved on to same-age girlfriends…wince.!! I suddenly found myself staring into the mouth of reality. What did I expect ? it was bound to happen ? and with my girlfriends nodding sympathetically in my direction and then looking at each other with raised eyebrows and “we told her so ” written across their foreheads in code, I poured a large glass of wine and got over it…or so I thought. The one toyboy that  I had seen for two years on and off and with whomI had bonded suddenly popped up on my email. I was surprised. We had agreed not to contact each other while he settled into a live in relationship. I had honoured that agreement and kept my fingers off the keyboard. He it seemed could not quite put me down.  Our dialogue took its usual form of caring affection followed by steamy sex text that would turn this  page blue. Threatening to visit (although I knew he would not )I was bemused I thought it was just me that had the tentacle problem.  A few weeks went by and then again I was bombarded with emails and texts that I tried to ignore. Giving in eventually it would seem that he too was feeling a loss. I was a bit staggered by his declarations but also very flattered and pleased that my emotionally attachment had not been one-sided but it didn’t help did it ? He wanted a normal life..marriage and kids  I was hardly the sort of girl you took home to meet your mother (almost sure I would have been older than her oops!) and childbearing…tee hee..well I did have a scare last year and it wasnt funny..I remember texting him “Happy Birthday” with the pregnancy test that the doctor insisted I needed, fermenting in my desk draw at work! Now there would have been a birthday surprise!!!. So it was all pointless wasnt it ? Well yes! but wouldI have missed the time we had..not on your nelly!. He had bought me great joy and affection just when I needed it most. He renewed my self belief and helped me locate my sexuality which had been buried with my ex husbands shovel.  I didn’t expect to hear from him again but  last week he checked in to see if I was ok because we had been hit by the riots…and then again yesterday …I may not be in his arms but I am very firmly in his head. I know I should ignore him and let him get on with his life but somehow the bond will not be broken…I can hear my friend’s voice in my head ..”.you need to get back out there…what about someone your own age…?  yeah well,  WHAT ABOUT IT ?!!!!

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