MR.GREY SKIES AND FESTIVALS

Having recovered from  getting my Irish fix it was on to the next events in my diary.  First up was Hackney Weekend. An enormous venue filled to the brim with bands of all kinds. The weather of course was shite!! In fact the two most talked about subjects this summer so far must be either the weather or Fifty Shades.  This has to be the wettest summer in history and it seems to be depressing everyone.

Fifty Shades on the other hand seems to be setting a fire under every reader’s libido.  Not that mine needed any extra help of course it simmers very nicely without the help of Mr. Grey! Having completed all three books I nearly choked as I read the ending. Having made the joke in an earlier blog that I hoped it wasn’t going to end with the happy couple walking into the sunset!  I couldn’t believe it when there was an actual sunset described in the last few pages. This would be the view from their perfect house and of course their lives were bathed in a fairy tale light. Don’t get me wrong some of the sexual content was arousing even if totally unrealistic, I mean how many women do you know that can orgasm from having their nipples twiddled? It would seem that the pneumatic Anastasia can….Honestly talk about give women daft expectations.  I bet there are loads of husbands and boyfriends being told to get twiddling and quick!!!.

Most women’s orgasm is an elusive bugger and in our quest to find it we usually have to give step by step instructions and provide a diagram.  But then we wouldn’t have been lucky enough to meet Mr. Christian Grey…he was  too busy at the time buying bloody condoms!.

Anyway back to Hackney.  We had a lively afternoon having a drink and a dancing and watching Plan B, Dr. Green, Rihanna to name but a few.  It was well organised and efficient and we didn’t get too wet. The following week unravelled without much event leading up to the filming day on Friday. The film crew arrived in the morning and I was filmed doing various bits and bobs and answering a plethora of questions about my dubious lifestyle.  Having dressed for my blind lunch date that the crew had kindly set up for me off we went to Islington to meet my “Date”.

They perched me in the bar next door with a nice glass of cold white wine and I sat there pondering my fate and sipping, well gulping it down.   Deciding I had better freshen up I pull out the mirror from my bag and start touching up the face and with that done I pull a brush through my hair. Putting everything away I straighten my skirt and notice something is on my lap. Oh Christ a bloody hair extension has decided to part company from my head. Great timing, could have been worse I suppose it could have fallen on my dinner plate during lunch. I quickly screw it up and shove it in my bag.  I know nothing about my date apart from he is 32 and called Paul and is in to older women in a big way.  Hmm we shall see.

Eventually I am taken outside, where we walk to the restaurant next door after one or two takes and in I go, unescorted to meet my date.  He is fairly tall and well dressed with piercing blue eyes.  We kiss briefly and ordering wine we settle in our seats and start talking. The conversation flows and he tells me of a disastrous internet date he had once.  He arranged to meet this lady after lots of emails and texts. When she arrives it turns out that she is a he!! Bloody hell how awful!! But very funny. Makes my first experience with the Stutterer and Humpty Dumpty very tame indeed.  Eventually our presenter Sharon comes over to join us and asks various questions about the Cougar thing.  Paul keeps on making the analogy that a “Cougar” is like an Eagle and swoops down on her prey.  Not sure that he gets that the Cougar word is already an analogy of a predatory older woman but in any event it isn’t worth pointing out. I didn’t want to confuse him.

But on the whole the date went well and then we were off to London to meet some girlfriends and have a few cocktails and more filming. Paul did put his number in my phone so the onus was on me to call him.  Would I be? I doubt it he lived up North!. Mind you I suppose I could fly up there.  It wouldn’t take me long with my Eagle wings!!!!

I woke up on Saturday fairly hungover and with a busy day ahead and coped just about.  The following week was a flat line and the next thing to look forward to was my next festival Wireless in London’s Hyde Park.  This brings us back to the weather again with the rain pounding down all day Saturday and us due there on the day two we knew it was going to be messy.  So instead of being able to wear a nice festival maxi-dress or top it was leggings and wellies and rain coats.

The five of us arrived and taking one look at the ground decided the only thing left to do was to embrace the experience and get pissed.  It was a mud bath. People were falling over all the time and sending mud flying in all directions.  You queued for the toilets, the drinks, the food.  In between you tried to dance and enjoy the bands.

We did have some fun though and I met a nice guy called Ben. And after kissing to rounds of applause we promptly lost each other. The whole place was completely useless where mobiles were concerned as signals were blocked and texts didn’t go.  If you got lost, lost you stayed. So after wading through the mud and into the nearest MacDonald’s we went home muddy, soggy and knackered.

Lets hope V Festival is a drier experience.  The gingerbird is not looking forward to camping as it is. God help me if it’s a wet one she will kill me?!!!.

The Kiss
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