REALITY CHECK

First of all folks for those of you that care sorry for the lack of blogs but my life has been a very busy place and I have been in a bit of an emotional hurricane with all sorts of things whirring around.

With the absence of Irish my personal life took a nosedive.  Having written the poem , which did make me feel better, I thought I had dealt with his return to Ireland quite well. The poem was a reality check for me and summed up how I felt and as usual, although being able to articulate well, writing somehow takes the stress out of the situation. Having realised that my feelings for this man-boy were running far to deep and feeling very sad that we had not managed to have the goodbye that was planned I kicked myself up the backside in true ‘Cougar fashion’ and told myself that just had to deal with it.  If for no other reason than not to give all those people who have said to me that I would get hurt somewhere along the line the satisfaction of being right.  I hate it when that happens.  Having written a long and very raunchy chapter for the end of the book about one of our last encounters I felt I had exorcised the beast.

I ploughed on. I had the book live on Amazon and was dealing with glitches and problems and typos!!.   Every time I thought yes that’s it ..I would load it up only to find something else was amiss. Grrr its annoying but at least keeping busy was a good idea. I was also filming again for a project that involved my street and was in and out of the house with camera crew doing various things.

Work was fairly busy and the family were as usual demanding my attention in various degrees. So all in all I was rushing about and trying to pretend that the prospect of not seeing Irish in the near future if at all ! was not bothering me in the least. The truth of course is that it bothered me a great deal but I was not allowing myself the indulgence of giving in to it.

The loss of my phone had meant that for four or five days I was without one and it was a strange feeling not to be  constantly available.  In a way it was quite liberating, I couldn’t talk to anyone unless they phoned me at work or on the landline.  My new phone with the old number in use arrived and I added a few numbers that were either written down or identifiable from my online billing.  Irish’s number was one of the first I located but I didn’t do anything with it I just wanted it there if required Over the next few days the realisation that many of my Ex Toyboys numbers were not in there made me sad all over again and set about trying to find those I valued most. It was usual for one of them to check in randomly to see how I was or for me to do likewise.

A day after the new phone arrived I was watching TV late when my phone shook into action. I had only a generic ring tone ( unlike the Ed Sheeran one I used  previously) and for a moment and because I was dosing off I didn’t register what it was.  Slowly as it dawned on me that my phone was actually ringing I picked it up off the carpet and stared at the number.  It was Irish…with my stomach lurching I answered hello and there it was that soothing Irish accent that gets me where it hurts.  He was pleased I answered and had apparently been trying me daily for quite a few days. With my number out of use he had presumed that because he had been unable to make our last and final date I had barred his number and he was somewhat anxious.

He them proceeded to tell me of all the reasons of why he couldn’t  make our date and how sad he was that we hadn’t got to say goodbye. It did not make easy listening and had my emotions running high.   We then discussed how things were between us and like me he had felt that of late we had moved into more meaningful place.  Our last few meetings sex filled as they were had also unleashed the emotional attachment beast.  There was me thinking it was all one-sided and here he was telling me that in fact he had felt it too. My initial reaction was pleasure I was glad he feelings for me and after we had chatted for nearly two hours, I felt elated and on a high when the call eventually finished.

The elation lasted until the next morning.  My stomach was in knots and I kept going over and over the conversation.  It seemed worse now that I knew that real feelings existed between us and that they couldn’t be acted on.  He was miles away with no plans to return and it was likely he would end up working in Ireland and the only hope was the odd weekend visit.  But that even that wouldn’t be yet.  I was in a state of flux I couldn’t sleep my stomach had vanished and for the next week I was wired.  I hadn’t felt this bad since I had discovered my Ex Husbands infidelity.  What was it about, I was fine before the phone call .  I struggled for the next few days and then decided that before I went stark staring mad I would have to talk to him again.

I dialled his number and when he answered I babbled on for about twenty minutes trying to make sense of it all.  I explain how I felt and said that I would leave the ball in his court and if  he wanted to talk to call.  I said that I would try my best not to text and would not call so as to try to contain the situation.  I was desperately trying to control my feelings but it was hard to leave it like that. I said goodbye with a lump in my throat, but determined that I would do just that and leave it!!.

A week later he phones me again and we chat at length…followed by some texts and another phone call…Hmm well so much for getting it under control..I hope to god he comes back to the UK at some point..I would love to see him again even though I know the sad and inevitable outcome.

My attention is turned to my forthcoming girls on tour holiday to Puerto Banus..five days of sand sea and mayhem..this deserves a blog all to itself and I as usual manage to get myself into some really embarrassing situations with Toyboys past and present coming out of the woodwork.  The only good news is that with all the angst I had been feeling I had managed to lose a few pounds,I called it the Irish diet!!!

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