SEX ON FIRE- THE DESIGNER VAGINA

 

I always find the job of female grooming a pain in the arse!..often quite literally. When it comes to tidying up our bits us ladies have an array of choices to make.  Not only do we have to decided how to remove the unwanted and often unruly sprouting in our nether regions we also,have to decide how we want our very special garden to look.

Do we want it just a bit tidier? Just trimmed into a tidy triangle which at least offers what lies beneath a bit of privacy and camouflage. Or do we go to the next level removing most of it but leaving a neat little patch of hair down the middle? Then of course there is the extreme version. Everything off ! exposing our most precious flower bed to the elements and risking it taking on the appearance of an oven ready chicken . All plucked and shiny and ready for a good basting!

The method of getting rid of those wily little follicles is usually down strictly to personal choice or possibly even the man in your life!  But also depends on the type of skin you have been blessed with. Being a redhead my skin always reacts severely to any sort of abuse and waxing proved to be too much for it.  Leaving the job to a skilled beautician was easy. She could see what I couldn’t and could get in every nook and cranny with her spatula and wax. She peeled I screamed! and the job was done. But a few days later a rash would appear making me look like an advert for a teenage acne cure. Hardly attractive and defeating the object.

So I tried shaving ..in the bath ..with lots of gel and  the help of a mirror. Besides being difficult to manoeuvre  the ensuing screams as I nicked myself time after time could be heard throughout the neighbourhood. A day later my vagina was behaving like a teenager  again angry bad tempered and spotty!

On to method three, depilatory cream. Easy to apply albeit a bit smelly ! It was economical and at least made for sensitive skin. It also lasted a reasonable length of time and no rash Yay!  This worked fine for me until the fashion for designer vaginas arrived and less was more. All of a sudden we were expected to have a much more severe hair cut! Men apparently preferred a naked vagazil!  They wanted to admire its beauty in all its bald glory.! It’s a wonder that they didn’t come armed on every date with a box of Paxo!

From a sexual point of view I completely understand that where oral sex is concerned the less hair the better. If you like a man to spend as much time as possible eating from your vaginal table then you want to make it as appetising as possible. Most prefer not to have to wade through a mass of hair to find the ambrosia ..most but not all! The sexy Aussie that I dated for quite a while following my divorce absolutely loved me hairy. He worshiped ‘the ginge‘ as he called it with a passion and the hairy the better!. But the general consensus was for less.

So trying to keep up  with the trends and  being a sexual active singleton, I decided one afternoon to set about my precious labia with my chosen  method depilatory cream. I slapped it on more liberally than usual hoping to leave myself with just a neat little landing strip that would appeal to the masses.  Five minutes in there was a knock at the door I threw on a robe and went downstairs to take in a parcel. As I made my way back I suddenly became aware that something was stinging!

By the time I got into the bathroom and started to wipe off the cream the stinging had turned into burning ! Ouch! Ouch!

In a panic  I jumped in the bath and aimed the shower head at my crotch. It was excruciating and seemed to be coming from inside not outside. I had been very careful not to go anywhere near my entrance but worked out that the getting up and moving around had caused the cream to migrate upwards and in! It gave Sex on Fire a whole new meaning.

I was red raw for days and hadn’t even enjoyed myself  getting there. I resigned myself to a trim with scissors and and cream only on my inner thighs . But recently I thought I would try again this time armed with a mirror and plenty of wipes in case any migrated. I used one of those double side mirrors with the magnifier.  As I lay there legs akimbo spatula at the ready I gasped in horror at my reflection . Bloody Hell! that can’t be me. I had always been quite neat and tidy (if you follow my drift) and what I saw staring back at me looked like it ought to have teeth and belong to a Shar-pei Dog! As my mind wandered off to dreams of vaginoplasty I swung the mirror back the other way.  Realisation dawned! thank god for that …there I was. I know it’s supposed to be good to  familiarise yourself with your Vagina and make it your friend. But for a moment there I was thinking it would look better served up on a plate with some fried eggs!

At least the magnification helped me to make sure that the cream went just where it should and I ended up with a nice little neat landing strip perfect for most forms of aircraft 🙂 . It would be good to remember that trends are just that! They come and go just like the men in your life. At the end of the day it’s your flower and you should cut it trim it and arrange it however you like.  After all a rose by any other name would smell as sweet and look just as pretty.  Anyway you could always turn the lights off and keep flossing sticks by the bed !

 

 

 

 

 

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