I know January is supposed to be a depressing month. But I am convinced that is only because we expect it to be so. The Christmas hangover lasts at least a week along with the leftovers. The endless boxes of Chocolates, Christmas Cake, and the Cheese that you shoved right at the back of the fridge forgetting it’s there.
You then spend endless hours searching in the kitchen wondering where on earth that terrible smell is coming from convinced that a rat has died in the vicinity and is rotting under one of your cupboards. Ripened Brie and Extra Mature Stilton has a lot to answer for.!!
Of course the best left-over the Bubble & Squeak gets devoured along with the Turkey breast in a few days. A word of warning though, don’t like me leave it on top of the oven in a saucepan with the lid placed jauntily to one side like a French Beret.
Whilst reaching to the top shelf for the Calpol bag fresh from the chemist (Sick Children also a feature of Depressing January) I am forced..just for a moment.. to put down my glass of red wine. Grabbing the bag I watch as if in slow motion as two screw drivers fall through the bag straight on to my glass of wine. Smash!! Glass shoots in all directions and instead of drinking the wine I am wearing it!. My New Rabbit Onsie is covered.
Why oh why were two screwdrivers in with a bottle of Calpol I ask my daughter through gritted teeth ?. Well, she says . “I didn’t know if you had any and I though we might need them for Baby Annabel”. Well of course how stupid of me not to know.
I cleared up the glass and the wine put my new Rabbit in the wash and started again. The next day I was determined to get rid of all the damn leftovers in preparation for yes you have guessed it, the inevitable New Year Diet where I tackle that bloody two stone yet again! I decide to finish off the Bubble & Squeak and the last of the turkey. I am chomping away when something gritty scrapes across my teeth..deciding it is a very crispy piece of potato I carry on regardless, swallowing hard. Halfway through my plateful and I crunch on something else..but this is bigger so spitting the errant mouthful on to my hand (I was eating alone!) I examine it thoroughly. And there it is, a large piece of glass. I sit bemused and then it dawns on me. Some of the glass from the red wine glass must have bounced into the saucepan. It occurs to me that I have probably eaten some already, well certainly one piece at least.
Trying not to panic I think to myself. Ah it will be fine a bit of glass in my already upset and overloaded stomach wont make much difference will it ?. I google “Swallowed glass” and am reassured that and I quote ” it will all pass through by tomorrow” But still needing a bit of reassurance I phone my doctors just to check. Our doctors are very good and I actually get to talk to one of the Gods themselves. “Straight to A n E he says. Really I ask ? yes he says . Bloody Hell and they have just closed the local one. Panicking ever so slightly I call for the cavalry and get a lift.
The doctor in the Emergency department was very plain speaking “Your GP is an idiot“Go home and eat some bread and like all good things it will come to pass ” Ah! Relieved but felling rather stupid off I go. But I was to wear the word ‘STUPID’ like a badge for the rest of the month.
I manage to twist my front door key in half in the lock and forgetting that I don’t have it on my bunch of keys I happily take Matilda into London for a day out. We visited The Natural History Museum with millions of other people Grrrr.. but it was fun. Realising early on that I was key-less I text the giant to leave a key somewhere for me. Ok he answers. I get a text as we get to Kings Cross..Sorry forgot about key am at work now.Great!.
I pull up outside ringing Laura to see if she can bring her key to me. “Don’t have it she replies I left it at yours remember ? Oh Dear god!. Dark cold evening, tired hungry child in tow. I know! I will get in through the back. Knocking on my neighbours door I ask Pete if I can get over the fence. He smiles (I like Pete and will miss him when he moves)I survey the fence and then have a brain wave I will put Matilda over and she can go through and open the front door. She agrees and eagerly runs in the house and then stops.. “Its Dark I can’t see I’m scared” she says loudly ..Shouting reassuring instructions to her I creep along the fence line to get as close as possible. Pete is standing behind me. I was concentrating so hard on what Matilda was doing I completely forget that Pete has a pond !
Matilda shouts something, I take one more step and Woosh! I am up to my thighs in dark green slimy,smelly and very cold pond water! Gasping with shock I immediately start roaring with laugher. Pete already smirking joins me and Matilda appears around the corner having completed her mission asking “Nanny what are you doing in there ?“. I can’t manage to get out on my own so Pete has to haul me up!. My leather boots my best jeans and my lovely fur trimmed wrap are all covered in algae. At least Pete will have an image to remember me by now!. (The first time I met him he answered the door in just his underpants An image I have never forgotten)His Christmas card to me this year was a masterpiece. Now at least we are even.
I squelched into the house dripping everywhere and then realised that I had a date in an hour. With Matilda safely delivered to her mum I rushed upstairs to get ready and shower for the second time. Essence of pond has yet to be recognised as an Aphrodisiac!. Wearing nothing other than my shoes, some Chanel and a big smile I open the door to my Toyboy and spend the next couple of hours happily horizontal.
Two days later and wearing my new trainers I go into the office for the first time this year, only to slip on the kitchen floor and badly injure my knee. I hobble about for the rest of the afternoon refusing to panic but with my knee swelling before my very eyes I know that A and E is beckoning, Again So for the second time in as many weeks I am back in a bloody hospital polishing my ‘Stupid’ badge as I go.
So as far as January’s go, this one has been a BASTARD and despite the fact that my knee is still killing me I have taken off my ‘Stupid badge’ and reminded myself that the next time I go paddling it had better be in the Mediterranean. Anyone for a swim ??