As he smiled and stood proffering me his seat I scanned his face quickly smiling acceptance and sitting amongst the others at the table most of whom I knew, He had large expressive brown eyes and a flop of dark hair. He smiled at me displaying even white teeth. I concluded he was sweet, young of course I was guessing around twenty and a friend of Jamie who worked with me behind the bar and so we were introduced.
I gave him little thought until Jamie told me that his friend Max had found me attractive. I remember I giggled feeling pleased that a much younger man (ten years) found me attractive. There is nothing like looking into someones eyes and seeing desire reflected back it is THE most enormous turn on. The following Friday there he was again. We flirted and whispered to each other but I moved away conscious that as a married woman I did not want to attract too much attention. Living in fear as I did a careless word or gesture could betray me even though my errant husband was safely tucked up at home.
But I had promised myself as I lay on that cold floor naked that the next time I met someone..It looked like that time had arrived. It was usual for me to go out with my girlfriend on Friday nights just to the pub where I worked. The pub was close to the stables where I kept Guinness my horse. Some Fridays I would be behind the bar working. The children were home in bed and since the last violent outburst my husband had been careful to keep his temper under wraps. The morning after that terrible night he had got out o bed turned to me and said matter- of- factly ” Well I suppose that is something else you will hold against me” and then went to work. He was almost incapable of viewing his actions from my eyes or had any understanding of their impact.
January flew by and I became aware that my husbands mistress had rekindled their affair. He was disappearing quite often and she was being so nice to me it was making me feel sick but I was pleased he was distracted and this gave me opportunity. My dalliance with Max was gaining momentum. We came up with the great idea that he should also work behind the bar. This would put us in the same place at the same time. He would try and get the same shifts as me and then pick me up on the way through. My emotions were running high as was my sexual desire.
We started snatching the odd kiss his youth mad him seem fresh and unsullied. He seemed almost an innocent although of course he had had many a girlfriend. But his gentle approach and brooding sexuality made him very attractive to me. I was falling and I knew it. After years of stress and strain and abuse I needed to remember what being loved felt like again. It was strange but I knew without doubt that my husband still loved me deeply but his drinking, violent outbursts and womanizing had somehow got in the way. It was like he didn’t associate the two together. His behaviour had nothing to do with how he felt about me..sadly he could only feel things himself he was incapable of seeing it in its true light or through my eyes.
My need for gentle affection and passion drove me on. My desire for Max became all consuming We would spend ages in the front of his small brown mini (a present from his father) kissing and exploring each others bodies but still I hesitated. I had never been very free with my sexual favours. When I got married I had had but a handful of experiences with different men and despite been provoked beyond measure I still valued my marriage vows.
But there was no going back my feelings for my husband had turned to loathing and I couldn’t bear it when he reached for me in the night. On the other hand my feelings for Max were strong and alive and clarified for me that my marriage was dead. So one night parked in a dark leafy lane not far from the pub I gave in to my desires and despite the lack of space and un-glamorous surroundings it was amazing. The damage was done I was ‘in love’ and I also knew in deep trouble. (to be continued..)
