As Christmas 2025 rolls into view with all the usual hustle and bustle, planning and preparations, those of us still suffering from loss and grief get pulled along dragging our heels and sighing deeply at regular intervals. It may be four years or forty years but the ghosts of those we have lost hover over our celebrations like Marley over Scrooge. We do our best to rally, throwing oursleves with gay abandon and rather too much Baileys into things and put on a brave face. Christmas must prevail if not for me but for those who are left and if you are lucky enough to have small ones in the family as I have then you want them to enjoy their Christmas and make happy memories. So the wheel turns and the cakes get made and the overspending starts and the Amazon van spends most of it’s time parked outside my house!
While on my way to an appointment a few weeks ago I was forced into passing the hospital where my daughter sadly died. The memory of that place made all the worse because not one of us managed to get there before she stopped living.! The guilt this caused me is forever present and it sits on my back like a sack of rocks, heavier some days than others. I carry it around everywhere I go. I know it was a sudden event (a common side effect of extensive Cancer treatment) and I know that she received the best care! (what’s good enough for the Royal Family is good enough for me) and saw the Top Consultants and we left no stone unturned getting second opinions and looking desparately for Clinical Trials but the guilt remains. It follows me around like one of Harry Potter’s Dementors threatening to suck the life out of me at any moment rather like the cancer did swallowing up my darling girl until she had no fight left So while opening another bottle of Bailey’s it’s never too early is it ? I put pen to paper and wrote away.
The result was a poem about that day and trying to get past the hospital door and stopping my chin from wobbling. I failed miserably and I would just like to wish all those facing Christmas without one of their people much love and the best of luck getting through it.
We do whatever it takes, drinking a little too much and feeling slightly crazy sometimes. I find facing it head on helps! A visit to the Cemetary, lighting a candle! and keeping those family traditions going. There is comfort in things that are familiar and remind you that there is life to still be had. You just have to forgive yourself and just get through. Keep family and friends close and on Christmas day raise a toast to those that are missing. include them in your day. Somehow it helps. Cheers! much love Gaynor!
The Door
I thought of you a lot today
As I walked past the hospital where you died
I peered through the door in the hope that you were still inside
Of course it was a hope that was soon dashed as my stomach
Lurched and then crashed
Like waves against the rocks and sand
It rose and fell and formed a knot
That strangled me and hurt a lot
You must be there if I look, I will find you
As I hover outside the open door
I know in my heart that you are no more
I screamed inside, it can’t be true
But on days like these when the darkness comes
It is really hard to carry on
The hole you left is bleak and black
To realise you will NEVER be back
I miss you so much as reality hits
That fucking cancer tore your body to bits
Nothing could save you not even me
And that was my job and so I will never be free
The guilt is so heavy it weighs me down
I scream inside but make no sound
Life is hard but I carry on
There are others to care for so my job’s not done
I can’t give up when there is your son
Your child, your boy, your pride and joy
While he lives on then so do you
The Pain receedes as school is out and there he stands like
a runner bean
All arms and legs and not very clean!
“Good Day ” I ask he grins a yes
“What’s for Dinner Nan” with his neaxr breath!
So all is well in his world aged eight!
Even with out his mum! My Darling Daughter Kate!
Miss you always.
