I have had so little time in the last few months that blogging has had to take back seat. My stress levels have been through the roof and any creative impluses have been well and truely flattened. I enjoy writing ..obviously! and find it usual helps me get through the trials and tribulations of life! but I have been so wired that have found it almost impossible to put my fingers on the keyboard.
The demands on my time have been enourmous and show no signs of slowing down. The main reason for all this is my elderly mum..now 93. Despite enjoying rude health until she was 91 something for which we are all grateful she suddenly and not surprisingly took a turn for the worse. One chest infection followed another and then she had two falls and matching broken hips.
I have been in the back of ambulances, seen the inside of many a hospital and sat bedside for hours on end. We would get her home for short periods of time only to have to get her taken back in as she would slip back into poor health. She refuses to go into a home and while as the authorities say has ‘CAPACITY’ her wishes have to be acted upon. This bloody word capacity is a load of Bollocks!
While I understand that a person in her right mind is in charge of her own destiny, how does that work when the body is too frail to support her own desires. Mum is under constant threat of a fall despite numerous Occupational Therapy interventions..a house full of zimmerframes and rails and carers, nurses and doctors in and out all the time.
I live in a constant state of high alert. Always waiting for the phone call that tells me I need to get to one hospital or another or clamber onboard another ambulance. The strain is terrible. Currently she is in respite care again having had pneumonia and another fall. On more than one occassion the family and I have thought that we were at the end of the road and prepared ourselves accordingly only to find a few days later that she has rallied and off we go again. This emotional roller coaster is not an easy one to endure and to watch this strong and vibrant woman slowly deteriorate into a frail shell of the person she once was is nothing short of torture.
It has made me question what life is all about? I look to the heavens for some inspiration but there is none. As I do not believe in Religion and accept that we are just biological beings, a division of cells, created by default, there is no comfort for me in any fairy stories about going to a better place, finding peace and life after death. I mean if there was why do people like my mother cling to life with everything they possess even if their existance is fraught with pain and a pitiful sense of hopelessness that is hard to watch ?. The will to live is one of our strongest components and my mother has it in abundance.
Sadly of late she has experienced bouts of demetia type behaviour that are probably due to infections or medication this has been the worst thing to witness. There have been moments of humour..sometimes its the only way to cope. Like the day she was admitted to hospital with pneumonia and as we sat around her bed the old lady opposite who had been given her bed adjustment keypad to hold started to play with the buttons. The silence was broken by a loud buzzing as this old lady went bolt upright then down again..then her feet went up then she went down…she didnt know what she was doing. At one point she was nearly vertical in the bed and in danger of falling out. Laughing loudly we summond a nurse who took away her toy.
When mums nurse arrived a nice young man sporting a name tag with JESUS in big letters I smirked. As he explained to mum what he was doing she turned to me and said seriously “I cant hear what he is saying I must get my eyes tested!” I fell about in a fit of giggles. But as the situation continues my sense of humour is beginning to wane.
So while mum is in safe hands ( full praise to Magnolia Unit for their care and attention) and back to her old self at least for a while I am off to my Happy Place..Butlins 🙂 90’s reloaded is hopefully going to reload me. Afterall I need to remind myself that its good to be alive and still kicking!