It has been so long since I had written a blog it took me ages to get started and in order to explain my absence I have talk about a very difficult subject.

Trying to deal with the realities of life has always been a tough job in my world and I have had more than my fair share of trials and tribulations from domestic violence to cheating husbands.  I have lost people I loved not only to other women but also to the grim reaper! I have been broke and broken but I came through with a dogged refusal to give up on life.

My unusual lifestyle of the last ten years has been a joy and a revelation and I have revelled in my freedom and experiences with the wonderment of a small child seeing snow for the first time. But suddenly talking about shagging and sex, dating and desire suddenly paled into insignificance.

Something dark and unthinkable was about to turn my life upside down! one of the loves of my life my precious daughter was diagnosed with a rare and virulent Cancer. I have spent more time in hospitals and waiting rooms over the last five months than I have at the bar. Although on the darkest of days the pub near the hospital did become my refuge.

It has been without doubt the worst few months of my life. When my mum died she was 93 and to me hard as it was, this was just part of the normal circle of life following natures plan. But THIS! this Bastard!  was not part of natures plan and could fuck right off!

I became a medical expert overnight although I already had the nickname Dr. Gaynor because of my medical knowledge. But now I was focusing on just one grim subject, Signet Ring Cell Adenocarcinoma. As days became night and you find yourself up at 3am unable to sleep scrolling through case studies and cures the rest of your life falls by the wayside.

Uber -Eats became my new best friend and I developed an obsession for MacDonald’s. I stopped work and spent as much time as possible with my daughter and family. I travelled everywhere with a my pink sparkly hip flask full of vodka and swigged out of it at regular intervals every time we got bad news…which was often!

This is where being on my own really sucks! Not having a right- hand man to talk things through with or cuddle up to was hard and a shoulder to cry on once in a while would have been nice. My sons and daughter filled the breech as best they could, while they tried hard to deal with their own panic and the generosity and kindness of friends was and continues to be overwhelming. And, you can always rely on the Sisterhood. Deliveries of wine and vodka just appeared on my doorstep as if by magic.

But I did find comfort on my darkest nights with my more familiar toyboys who did their best to bring some joy and light into my new twisted world and listened to me rattling on about the unfairness of life. Sex can be a great escape and the physical contact not only a great comfort but also a reminder that we are not alone.

We are learning to live with our new reality governed by appointments and scans and trying to get back to a modicum of normality. We remain positive and hopeful and had our first bit of good news a few weeks ago.

You won’t find me crying in corners or collapsing in a heap! This is just one more battle that HAS to be beaten into submission. I will except no other outcome!! So whilst my dating life may have slowed down the fire has not totally gone out, it has just been eclipsed by a much stronger passion that of being a Mother.

Until next time

Gaynor xxx


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