With our Butlins weekend looming we were anxious to try out the fancy dress outfits and getting very excited about going.  I had a phone call from the person we had ordered them from with the news that they couldnt supply. Their “Large” box actually contained “Small”. No way would I squeeze into small. In fact being  the biggest of the bunch I would be lucky to get the large to cover everything.  Frantic internet searches later we found the same ones for a bit more money. But beggars can’t be choosers.  They arrived the next day and I filled mine  to full capacity! My skirt was shorter than everyone elses because all the material was taken up with the rest of me!. Underwear was crucial and I set about trying on various suck me in! hold me tight contraptions all of which make you feel about as sexy as binbag.!

I even tried some Spandex Bridget Jones type knickers. But the fat doesn’t just get held in it gets displaced and starts oozing out of places I didn’t know I had. It seemed to take on a life of its own and frankly the bloody things were so uncomfortable I really couldn’t see me enjoying myself wearing the buggers. 

What if I decided to arrest someone..sexy they were not and I would have to dive into the loo remove them. Just imagine getting into a steamy session and having to wrestle THEM into submission.

The sight of these horrendous objects reminded me of one day last year when we were  on our way to the races . My friend had worn a pair of really strong spandex to give her smooth lines in her beautiful  fuchsia pink figure hugging dress. Before we even got there she was moaning about how they were hurting her and making her feel sick. It does beg the question of where do all your organs go when they are being restrained on all sides and it begins to feel like large portions of your intestines are coming out of your throat.Your fat it would seem  is not the only thing being displaced.

Having consumed considerable amounts of champagne she decided that enough was  enough!. Wriggling down under her seatbelt she wrestled her dress up and the spandex down. After a lots of pulling and pushing grunting and groaning she managed to negotiate them to the end of her feet and grabbing them in her left hand she unceremoniously tosses them out of the  open car window with a relived flourish.  They fly through the air and land on the grass verge next to the country lane we are hurtling down. I wondered if they were ever found by a passing country bumpkin who would probably think they were a torture device!. I can only conclude that spandex is best saved for occasions when you are:

 a) only out for a few hours and don’t have to sit down

b) there is absolutely no chance of  you getting laid

 c)  you have exceptional bladder control ( no question of a quick pee in that!)

We arrived at Butlins later than usual as the traffic had been a nightmare. Unpacking we open the wine and finding the music channel on the TV we turn up the volume and start the getting ready process. We are dressing normally tonight saving our fancy dress outfits for the Saturday night as usual. We have a great evening dancing, drinking and after a bit of random snogging I retire to bed leaving the others too it.  They all come crashing through the door an hour or two later with a couple of guys and gather out on the balcony! I just say a mumbled hello and the next thing I know its morning and I am starving!

We eat a huge full english breakfast and leaving the all nighters to go back to bed to sleep off the hangovers Jayne and I go for a walk on the seafront. We have some hot chocolate do a  little shopping and finish off with some ice cream. Gathering back at the hotel we all spend an hour or so in the arcades followed by a game of donkey derby. By now its 5pm so we check in at the “Turners ” restaurant for some yummy grub.  The food is excellent and the portions are small and beautifully arranged.  When there is a long evening of drinking and dancing ahead you don’t want a big plate of stodge.

Back to the room to catch a few Zzzzzzzzs  and then off we go again music on wine opened and slap on!.  Our outfits look great!! give or take a roll of fat or two in my case but I fill up the standard size outfit to full capacity and much more than my fellow officers.  But I am much happier in my own matching sexy underwear than the bloody spandex!!.  We finish the outfits off with a pair of handcuffs pinned to our skirts.  They really work and we have keys too.  Taking loads of pics we set off into the night laughing our heads off at all the other fancy dressers. There was a group of eight guys all disguised as meercats..you could see their heads above all the other people it was priceless! Another group were dressed as bollards and there was the usual Super Heroes, Pirates and Wrestlers.

The place was heaving and we went from one venue to another dancing and swigging sambukas on the way.  With a change of shoes halfway through my feet were still killing me so I kicked them off to do some proper dancing.  When I came back to put them back on one was missing! I hunted high and low but to no avail ! Ah well I thought never mind.

I looked for them again a bit later and they were both gone.  Ten minutes later one was back and I realised that a fellow camper was playing games.  They eventually both turned up and with some arrests already having been made Jayne and I decided to head back to the station (Hotel Room) En-route we bump into a group of “ Fireman” and one of them catches my eye. He is very tall aged 27 and when we start talking I am intrigued by his very plumby accent. It was a surprise to hear that in good old Bognor Regis!

We chat for a while and then have a kiss which sets my pulse racing yum! I’m thinking that I  may have to take him back to the station for further questioning. So reading him his rights I lead him by the hand back  to the cells thanking god that I decided not to wear the spandex!…Evening All !


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