My phone rang two days later and there he was with his explanation. He just couldn’t see when he could see me .He was working really long days well into the evening…loads of social event to attend with his uni mates and relatives visiting from Ireland. Now he was in a London flat he had become very popular. I asked if he would like me to delete his number from my phone he said no.

So we agreed to leave the door open but I was miffed. The talk of a phone call had given me hope of more visits to come and I half wished he had just answered my text. Now I was in nowhere land and there I stayed.

One night when I was feeling exceptionally rampant and had been relieving a particulary hot session with him in my head I thought “What the hell” and sent him “I still really miss you in my bed” he replied in a second  “Me too” I said ” its so frustrating”  His answer which made me smile was “I really miss our endeavours a lot!!” I have never heard sex refferred to as “endeavours” but we never did do the sex text thing. Good catholic boy remember!. I asked if he could get even a few hours off his answer was “Not atm 🙁 x.

Well at least he didn’t say never but that hardly helped my frustration.  By the time Christmas was on the horizon I realised I was firmly out of the picture. But on Xmas Eve feeling seasonal, a little drunk and sentimental too, I sent him and the Aussie a Merry Christmas text. It was no surprise that neither answered by return.

But to my delight they both replied on Christmas Day.  The Aussie in the morning telling me he was in Europe holidaying with friends and Danny in the afternoon . Both were warm and caring and I felt pleased that I was at least given a moments thought on such an important day.

Sadly the week after the Aussie had imparted his joyous news to me and despite having text me very intimately one evening a few days before,  I figured that Danny too must have acquired a girlfriend. Dont ask me how I knew it was just a feeling. But I was left to face the fact that both of my favorite toyboys had moved on and although I know from experience that either could return, there is a real possibility that they are both gone forever.

The new Girlfriends of course would be young and nubile with firm skin and boobs that didn’t disappear under your armpits the moment  you lay down. This double blow hit me quite hard and although I had been seeing a number of new and quite gorgeous young men, they just didn’t seem to be filling the void (pardon the pun) that or my heart just wasnt in it.

The word gutted is very apt because that is exactly how I felt my stomach spent the next day or so in a state of painful knots and my appetite evaporated. So I questioned myself constantly.what was I feeling?  Had I been in love with Danny ? I decided that I had been just a little in love with the both of them.

Whilst I had either of them in the loop I was content, when I was seeing them both I was overjoyed but with out one or the other I was “gutted”. It hurt and I struggled to make sense of it. I mean I wasn’t wailing into my gin but I was feeling a loss. It had been a long time coming and I concluded that my feelings had been there all the time but buried deep down where no-one could find them least of all me.

But the tender gentle ways of a young Irishman and broken through and raised them just a little towards the surface. I allowed myself a few days of indulgence and wallowing and then pushing them firmly back down beneath the surface I had three different dates in a week and took part in another TV show where I was interviewed by Vanessa Feltz on the merits of being a “Cougar”  Roarrrrrrrrr !!!!.


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