Bangers,Bunnies and Butlins…

The Silver Birch

Its been a strange week so far and like the sponge that I am I have been absorbing everyone’s problems . As if I didnt have enough of my own!!

My Victorian terrace with views of the Co-operative has been talking to me of late and is in need of some care and attention (well aren’t we all). In fact part of it decided to detach itself from the rest.  My neighbour has informed me that the trees in my back garden are causing his house to subside and therefore I need to get them culled!(I am particularly fond of the large Silver Birch but I admit it has taken over the garden). None of these things would cause me one moment of worry if it wasnt for the fact that as usual I am flat broke and to coin a phrase “I havent a pot to piss in”.

Despite working hard, the recruitment business is still teetering on the brink of sink and is so up and down it is frankly making me seasick. Always a well paid industry in the past this deep and dark recession has caused no end of problems and now we have the new AWR legislation to deal with.  Knifing us in the back yet again!!. So with no commission on the horizon …I see no Chips..my income has dropped and with everything going up including the height of my son (6ft 4ins with the appetite of an Elephant) “Times is Ard”

A woman of my age is usually all cosied up with a nice guy with a pipe and slippers and a huge pension. Me ? Id rather be cosied up with a guy with a packet of fags a magners and a huge penis! Ha. Doesnt pay the bills though does it although I agree that all the best things in life are free..well almost you still have to buy condoms also not cheap!.

I suppose if i had been in possession of a loyal and hard-working husband then I’m sure I would be a lot less stressed about my ongoing financial dilemmas.But nothing like house repairs and tree issues not to mention an impending birthday URGH! to remind me that I am stuffed (and not in a good way).

I still have a large mortgage and no pension to speak of and with my giant son in residence there is no chance of downsizing to latch onto the equity I do possess. Plus my house is the hub of the family. Christmas gatherings Summer Barbeques under the offending trees and birthday bashes.  No one else has the room so until one of my children acquires a mansion my modest little house will have to stay put.

What really would help would be to land a lucrative book deal! so come on you Publishers..my book is ready to roll! I need to mount a new book offensive, but im so drained dealing with all with all the problems coming my way from all and sundry and rather like a cyclone they seen to be gathering speed and velocity I need to recharge my batteries.

So I am doing what any self-respecting middle-aged woman would do in this position  I am gathering up nine of my pals packing a bag and off to a fun packed “8Os” weekend at Butlins Bognor Regis. We really know how to live!.  No staying in counting my pennies (and really that is all i have ! unlike a journalist that writes in Sundays You magazine , drives me mad pleading poverty and then has a facelift!). You can’t go to these weekends without being prepared to dress up so we are all donning Bunny Girl Outfits.  With fish nets and stilettos , wine and cider all packed we will be giving it large. I’m sure after a couple of nights of bands from the eighties (Chesney Hawkes is bound to put in an appearance ) and partying hard I will feel revived and refreshed. There will be tales to tell im sure and tell them I shall in next weeks Blog!. So Bognor lock up your sons!!

Well Im off to have a compulsory Mammogram. Nothing like having your rather large boobies squashed as flat as pancakes to remind you of just how bloody old your getting!!. Now where DID I put those bunny ears.?

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