internet dating

It’s always been well documented that internet dating is a hit and miss and a rather haphazard affair.  You hit the button and invariably miss the target or the object of your affections ducks and dives so much that you end up tied in knots and not in good ‘Fifty Shades’ way.

Since becoming single again I have been on a couple of Dating websites for most of that time and have had a lot of successes and the same amount of failures. How do you bench mark success ? Easy! it’s all a matter of progression.  Emails lead to texts. Texts lead to phone calls which in turn lead to dates, Hurrah!

The first dates are good, the object of your affections looks like his pictures,  the conversation flows,  followed by the chemistry and whoopee! the bedroom beckons and the earth moves. This is then repeated as often as possible for as long as you and he want to.  Could be weeks, months, years, or just a one-off but there is hope and joy…sometimes lots of joy,along the way.

Failures on the other hand are rarely benchmarked at the date stage. They occur a long way before then . Because actually getting to meet the guy is the problem.  They just don’t want to see you in person. They want nice emails even texts but the problem starts when you actually want a conversation. They promise to phone and your mobile remains silent.  Some don’t even promise at the point you try to move things along to actually speaking they stop replying to your texts and you can sense the impending panic.

I couldn’t begin to count the amount of hours and time I have wasted on emails and texts only to find that the object of my desires never ever materializes. Even at the talking stage you can’t always get them to commit to a date.  I mean who the fuck has the time for all this game playing ? I’m a busy girl, I have a job a family a LIFE, but I like men.  I like to go on dates and I love Sex.  But real Sex the sort that requires the touching of skin and the exchanging of bodily fluids.

I mean I’m not adverse to  a bit of phone sex out of desperation but nothing absolutely nothing beats the real thing does it ?. No I don’t want a picture of your magnificent appendage, not unless I’m going to get an opportunity to meet it in person.  Watching you play with yourself might be more interesting than watching paint dry…just! but Its a lonely experience for both of us.

So can someone please tell me why oh why they do it ?  My favourite website TBW ( has been a great tool in the game of internet dating and I have met and had relationships with a lot of gorgeous guys so thank you very much.  But even on here there are those that are just playing and have no intention of meeting the older woman that their fantasies are made of.

I decided,  uncharacteristically to have a look through some of the members and see who was around. Chuckling to myself I saw them all, same pictures, same M.O. all the ones that I never ever got to meet.  The promises were made, time was wasted and then they vanish into the ether only to creep back on and repeat the process all over again with another lady. One guy that I that I had high hopes for and had actually had a conversation with only to be let down on the date night seemed to have short-term memory loss. After the date never materialised I text him just one word ‘pointless’ . Over the last few months and for reason best known to himself,   he has been sending me ‘winks’  Today I decided to mail him. I said that the ‘winks ‘should stop and the ‘drinks’ should start . I give everyone at least two chances. Despite the fact that the mail has been read, there has been no response.

Of course another glaringly obvious reason for the mind games is the fact that a lot of the would be suitors,  despite ticking the single box are in fact in a relationship or married! This is of course discouraged but happens never the less.

Sometimes the pictures used don’t give a true representation of the person but in this particular case there are quite a few, usually a good sign.  But whatever you do beware of the guy with just the one solitary snap. From my experience it’s often not even them, as in the case of my stalker.

I remember early on in my experiences with the joys of internet dating I spent an awful lot of time chatting to a guy by email who only had one lonely picture on his profile. In my innocence I saw no reason to doubt him.  After months and months we eventually got around to a drink.  An hour before I was due to meet him he phoned me just to explain that he picture he had used wasn’t current, in fact it was many years out of date!. Pause for sharp in take of breath! He then tells me that he has put on a few pounds since then! By now and turning blue I make a joke about how will I recognise him ?..he reassures me and feeling unable to let him down I set off for the date.

I shouldn’t have worried about recognising him..he knew me straight away as my pictures were current and true.  As his lumbering figure honed into view preceded by his beer gut, the first thing I noticed was his receding hair-line.  He had forgotton to mention that! and as for a few pounds multiply by 20 and add 10 more. I was on a date with Humpty Dumpty and not a Kings’ Horse in sight! Luckily we had built a rapport over the months so the evening wasn’t totally wasted and as he drunk pint after pint at an alarming speed the reason for his weight gain became obvious …Next!

humpty dumpty

To end on  a brighter note I had a text from a toyboy that I had seen on and off over the last couple of years,  on a casual basis  (the last time being a few months ago). I thought he had been quiet and here he was with his explanation and it did make me smile.

Hi 🙂 this is random. I’m seeing a girl at the moment and really like her and wouldn’t want to mess her about or go with other girls etc. But I can’t come to terms with the fact I wont sleep with you again. I love sleeping with you” 

The Mrs Robinson Effect is alive and well and living in North London. Ha! and for those of you that would like to know more,  tune in to Channel 4 Wednesday 9th January at 10 p.m. to see me in action with the vivacious Sharon Horgan in a lively documentary called ‘On the Verge of a Midlife Crisis’  That would be her not me, I’m still having mine 🙂 .

Sharon Horgan On… Series 2 Episode 2

Sharon Horgan meets six women who have gone through midlife crises to find out what happened, and how they coped or even transformed themselves. Gaynor’s husband dumped her for the woman next door. Businesswoman Nicky, who’s 40, is divorced with debts, and her midlife crisis …


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