As the New Year roles in like most of the population I spent endless hours staring out of the window in a cheese and chocolate stupor reflecting on 2018 and wondering what the hell I was going to do in 2019. Most pressing of course is what I am going to do with the roll of fat that seems to be hanging over the top of my jeans!
2018 had been a bit of a roller coaster. There had been some brilliant highs and some terrible lows and as usual I dealt with everything in my usual just got to get on with it attitude.
But by about November 1st was feeling quite stressed and tired and as far as romance was concerned there wasn’t even so much as a sliver of hope. With family, work and other things eating up my time like a great big ever hungry mouth I had decided to give myself a holiday from dating apps for a few months.
But like all things in life you only get back what you put in and it would seem that the same can be said for dating and romance. By shutting down my apps and removing myself from the world of instant attraction I Had effectively become invisible. Using Tinder Bumble and the like is all very well but the constant repetition of swiping left and right and either coming up with a witty reply or sending one gets very wearing on a daily basis.
Then you have to deal with the usual questions (Sigh) which in my case are:
“What are you looking for ?” Wink emoji
“So you prefer younger men then?” Wink emoji
“So what do you like about younger men ?” Tongue out emoji
“What’s the youngest you have dated” Wink Emoji and Tongue out Emoji
“What’s your favourite position ? ” Wink Emoji followed by 3 Tongue out Emoji’s
At this point I am usually sent a picture, often in underpants! Sometimes naked with their hand covering their balls in a protective fashion ( this is a VERY attractive pose!!) wink emoji from me!. Their face is often obscured by their phone which leaves you with a headless torso! which frankly looks ridiculous.
As I lose the will to live and if I am quick enough I usually thank them for their modesty but sometimes I am not fast enough and the Dick picture arrives in all its purple and red glory demanding attention and winking at me with its one good eye!
I usually say farewell at this point. There rarely is any point pursuing this connection. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the male form. Being heterosexual I find men’s bodies very attractive and that includes Percy the Penis. Womankind would not be flocking to see the The Magic Mike Shows if we weren’t turned on by the male form. But when you have only been talking to a guy by text for ten minutes sending these type of pictures is hardly likely to get our pulses racing in fact it usually has the opposite effect.
There are exceptions of course and as I told Phil and Holly on This Morning If I have had the pleasure and are familiar with the landscape then send away!
So having had an sabbatical from Dating Apps I decided to start back gently by answering the messages on my profile with Toyboywarehouse.com. After a bit of back and forth I handed over my phone number to about four!
Within a few hours I had pictures of two different guys in their Calvin’s and just to add to the mix a complete stranger sent me a Dick picture on Instagram!
One of the others had seemed promising but kept calling himself my naughty toyboy! And asked me if I was cleaning house in my underwear? Sigh..
Finally I thought I had a winner who actually phoned me and talked about a drink. By the morning ( when he had sobered up I presume) he backed out!
Throwing my hands up in despair I was very pleased to see the postman arrive clutching in his knapsack a little brooch that had been sent to me free of charge by a Company called Single Approach. The idea is that when you are out and about in the real world you display this little heart in a prominent place to indicate that you are single and ready to mingle. The good news is that as you have to pin it to clothing nakedness is not required Yay!
I have told Single Approach that I will wear it as an experiment and report back. Dating Apps have in the past been my go to source of good dates and romance, sex and seduction. But sadly of late it seems to be more about online titillation and no one seems interested in actually meeting in person and doing the deed.
I will let you know whether this little brooch works any magic. Happy Dating and Happy New Year.
until next time
p.s. you can find Single Approach on Instagram