Its been a strange week, out of the blue I heard from two of my toyboys that have been on the missing list for a while. The first one that I saw for a couple of years when I first embarked on my new life style had always kept in regular contact by email, text and more recently whatsapp.
He was the first Toyboy that had found a place in my heart as well as my bed and when he told me that he was in a serious relationship and could no longer visit I was to say the least miffed!. But I knew what I had signed up for so had to take it on the chin. It was to be expected that most younger men eventually would want normality and a family, he made no secret of the fact being honest from the beginning. But never the less after a sex filled relationship spanning two years or more, it was hard to swallow! I deleted his number and tried to move on.
So I was more than surprised to see his name pop up in my in inbox some months later. I Ignored it although that in itself was hard. He then popped up on Facebook although we were never friends on there..I ignored that too. But when eventually he emailed me again via another address I decided to answer and so it began.
Regular contact was established via one source or another. It would start with polite conversation and always..always! slip into sex speak quite, often followed by pictures! (You already know my thoughts on the ‘Willy’ variety but this was different. I knew this particular chap inch by inch.) Feelings were discussed and even ‘love’. He was desperate to meet up but just couldn’t cross that line, his relationship still in place.
I often pondered the rights and wrongs of what he was doing and questioned whether I should I send him packing ? Yes! I hear you all shout! But that was hard for me to do. My feelings for him still lying under the surface and after all I am single. And before all you Self-righteous people start calling me a bitch and a Whore remember that I am not in charge of other people’s consciences. I spent many years being married to two unfaithful men and never once did any of the women involved care a jot about me!. So pardon me if I am somewhat cynical and hard-nosed on the subject.
He then announced he was getting married and I thought that was that. The wedding took place and within weeks he was back communicating with me. I was puzzled..surely his inability to stop coming back to me to check in was a sign that all was not well. I had a feeling that I was not the only one he was doing this with. He always seemed to have picture to hand and sometimes even a video.
In some sort of weird way he felt that as long as there was no physical contact then what he was doing was harmless. But was it ? He would often talk of meeting again but I knew him well enough to know that he would not take that step. His desire for me was expressed in strong words of passion and flattery relating back to the hot and steamy times we had spent together in the minutest detail. All being replayed in his head like an old movie. He would remember the dress I wore, my perfume and of course my underwear. I knew of course that he was ‘getting off’ on these memories which he was using to excite himself for private play. But I too found our on-line exchanges exciting. Somehow it just kept him in my life for a while longer.
Suddenly and without warning the messages stopped. I was bemused but figured that something must have happened. A few months later I found out.
Appearing suddenly on my Facebook page he explained that he had been found out. His online exchanges..luckily not with me! had been discovered by his partner and all hell had broken loose. They had been to marriage counselling and as he put it “were in a better place” Hmm interesting I thought then why are you seeking me out again. I asked a few questions my need for information being paramount. So I was right it wasn’t just me! Not sure how I felt about that! As usual and as if nothing had changed he launched into Sex speak. My immediate reaction was to tear him off a strip.
He was immediately sheepish but our dialogue continued into the evening. He was all over the place and very confused. It would seem that marriage was not quite what he imagined. Well I thought, When is it EVER? My first hand knowledge of the fallout that ensues once the trust is gone didn’t help him much and my predictions for his relationship are not promising. But I felt really sorry for both parties and could empathise with his wife. My experience of adultery being both extensive and painful. But my husbands had been unfaithful in the real sense of the word..the physical sense. Did this online stuff count as much ? I spent the next few days pondering this and decided that at the very least it highlighted a massive problem in their relationship.
I eventually came to the conclusion that count it did! For my own sanity I suggested that we meet for a coffee. I was in his neck of the woods by coincidence in a few days. I wanted to look him in the eyes again. To my surprise he agreed. I was convinced he would cancel. He didn’t!.
It had been three years since we had actually seen each other. He looked just the same tall and well built. We sat across from each other both nursing a large cup of strong black coffee, and as I looked into his big green eyes I could see how troubled he was. The last few months had obviously taken its toll. Despite knowing better I actually felt a bit sorry for him. The meeting was however awkward. We had never spent much time talking until after we had communicated with our bodies first so sitting across from each other in a crowded place with our clothes on was odd.
I felt he had come to test the water and to see how he felt..same as me then. Frankly he looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights and never once digressed into anything other than polite conversation. He knew he shouldn’t be there, the guilt emanating from every pore. I think I had just given him a massive and much-needed reality check!. It would seem that it was easy to have an online affair but confronted with a real flesh and blood woman had clarified for him where his loyalties lay.
We parted with a perfunctory kiss on the cheek and I will be surprised if I hear from him again. Do I think the marriage will survive I have my doubts but hopefully he will renew his efforts with his relationship after all its what he wanted..wasn’t it! ?
I went over and over the meeting in my head on the journey home and although I still fancied the pants off him! I came to the conclusion that I was still flying the Irish flag, fruitless as that was for the time being. Ah well such is life, So picking up my phone I confirmed a date with a real flesh and blood man. You can keep this on-line stuff give me the real thing every-time!