I read with interest an article in The Mail today called ” Why the First Time Matters for The Rest of Your Life” According to American researchers, the first time you experience a full sexual encounter it imprints on your brain for years to come… apparently.
If there is either an emotional attachment when you give up the cherry or a very positive physical connection with the person that you first succumb to then this impacts on you for the rest of your sexual life.
It’s a very interesting theory and one that I actually agree wholeheartedly with. My first full sexual encounter was with my boyfriend of three months. I was a virgin and knew nothing about what to expect. Sex was a subject that never reared its head in my house and my mother as I think I explained in a earlier blog presumed that I knew all about it having watched my pet rabbits copulate. Yeah well that was hardly a very steep learning curve. Rabbits have one position, emotion doesn’t come in to it and then they produce a litter of ten. VERY scary.
No wonder my main preoccupation was not to get pregnant. (A member of my family had got pregnant out-of-wedlock and the fall out was horrific) What I knew I gleaned from friends and books. Unknown to me all my close peers had done the deed long before me and just not mentioned it as it was still a taboo subject. I had been a late starter and I was a very tall for the times ,very curvy (Twiggy was still about) and Ginger . All of these things were bad enough but to make things worse I was painfully shy! .
I was a lively personality but not where boys were concerned. I was bloody terrified, I was everyone’s friend but no ones sexual target. So drinking and alcohol became a big part of my coming out It gave me the confidence to actually socialise. My BF at the time and still with me now, was petite and pretty and got all the boys . I was the big one the tall one the ginger one and learnt a long time ago how to converse and get people to like me (at least on the friendly level) When anyone made a pass at me I used to have a melt down I had no idea what to do and was like a ‘Rabbit’ caught in the headlights pardon the pun.
So when the boy that was to take my virginity strolled into the pub in North London where I was drinking loads, ( underage of course) It wasn’t ‘love at first sight’ moment. We chatted over a period of weeks and eventually he started bringing me home. We used to get the bus..not many boys of his age had a car in those days. I would sneak him in at home and with the parents asleep upstairs we would spend hours just talking, kissing and petting (doesn’t that word sound strange in 2013) We always had one ear cocked for movement upstairs and it was often dawn before I showed him the door..I had just turned seventeen.
There was no hint of any oral sex of course. I would have no clue and neither it seems did he, funny that, maybe it just wasn’t fashionable back then. My first oral sex experience came a few years later and I wondered where on earth he was going. Luckily my brain seemed to enjoy this revolutionary new experience kerching!
These very pleasant sexual encounters went on for some time. He was a sweet guy he worked in retail had a mop of long black hair and big green eyes and a winning smile. Not very tall (much to my mother consternation as she was obsessed with height)he was gentle and experienced-ish and a few years older than me. By the time Christmas came I was gagging for it.
We had arranged to go out New Years Eve and I was to stay over at his parental home. I had done this before but I had decided that tonight was the night. By the time we left the pub in North London I was plastered. I had got it in to my head that It was going to be a painful life changing experience. I remember as we walked home that I could barely put one foot in front of the other.
We spent the night downstairs and made love on the rug. I LOVED it. There was no sign of a condom but at the moment of truth I was blown away. Despite him being vertically challenged he was very well-endowed, a fact that didn’t dawn on me until much later as I had no comparisons. He was attentive and loving but despite his best efforts I didn’t ‘come’. In fact in the whole of our relationship, which went on for nearly a year I never did. It nearly happened once but that was it. But I suppose my in-experienced meant I couldn’t direct him but that didn’t put me off. I loved sex just the same and my first encounter meant that it got a big fat tick. He had got that right at least and I will be forever grateful to him for the joy. When he dumped me for his ex-girlfriend who he later married I was heart-broken lost a stone and cried for weeks.
So maybe the article has a lot of merit. I certainly did really enjoy my very first encounter and this as you know, has enriched my life on an ongoing basis. It makes me feel really sorry for those that have a really bad first experience. Our brain imprints all our new experiences and lights up accordingly. The problem with sex is that it comes late in the scheme of things. Most of the stuff we learn is as babies toddlers and children. Sex is hopefully one of the few new experiences we have to look forward to as adults but it would seem that the first time can have ongoing consequences.
In the light of the Jimmy Saville scandal which just gets worse by the day it makes you wonder what imprinting his brain went through to make him such a monster!!. He was the worse sort of human being possible preying on the vulnerable. Maybe his brain was just wired wrong but one thing is for sure if there is a God, Saville should be burning in hell itself!! Amen to that and love and sympathy to all his victims who must have suffered greatly.
My book “Sex and The Signposts” is available on Amazon