When I first became an internet dater I was a complete novice! To say I was wet behind the ears was an understatement.  I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and when I got a message I usually ignored it as I was too scared to answer in case I came across as naive or stupid! 

I also didn’t understand the language! All those abbreviations had me running for the dictionary which I have to say was no help at all!  Once I had got my head around the lols the tbhs and the ;)s I began to send tentative replies. Dating App’s had yet to be invented of course, so you had to put a lot more work in. Taking time to study a profile in great detail and decide whether or not you wanted to engage with the person smiling back at you, usually carrying a dog!

I never have understood ‘the dog’. Is it supposed to make the guy look sweet and caring ? Is it saying love me love my dog ? Are these guys too scared to be in a picture on their own ? I find it most off putting and as the dog is often better looking than its owner I can’t see how it helps!

Even worse of course is the picture of them with ten friends! I mean,  do I really have time to try and work out which one you are ? It’s no good getting excited about the tall one with the mass of  blonde hair standing at the back  when it turns out you’re the bald guy in the middle or visa versa!

Being always short of time I made a decision back at the beginning, that I would put up a good profile with lots of nice current pictures (of me on my own) and wait and see who messaged me. Trolling through endless pictures and profiles was fine if you had time to spare but my life was over full as always. But I still wanted to date.

Having perfected my profile it wasn’t long before messages came streaming in.  It was time consuming enough just looking through those. I would hurriedly read the message but my attention was focused on the pictures, naturally! No wonder Tinder took off like a rocket! I read somewhere that we make the ‘I want to rip your clothes off decision within 20 seconds of meeting someone‘. I know that to be so true read my last blog.

So having decided whether I like the face before me I then read the profile. Shallow it may seem but you have to find the face before you interesting at the very least (even if it is sharing the screen with long-haired terrier). Whether you go kayaking, play football run marathons or give good massages..sigh! none of this will get me past your face! I defy any internet dater to disagree with me here! Its face first, fact!

The profile content has to be taken into account but providing there is nothing that sets the alarm bells ringing let the dialogue commence. But these days that’s not so simple. I used to be in the privileged position of having messages to answer and although they ranged from the banal to the sexually explicit at least I had something to go on. But having recently downloaded the Dating App Bumble the onus is now on me to engage with a witty and interesting first contact.

I am not going to lie here, I have found this quite hard. Now the boot is on the other foot I see now that finding the right approach is quite a challenge. The first few times I had a match I forgot it was down to me and then ran out of time..my bad!. This is where the profile does come in useful I try and use some of the information I have gleaned from it to strike up a conversation . But personally I much prefer it the other way around.

Once first contact is made then you have to keep the dialogue going. The same old questions go round and round like a revolving door. This is just a few examples and they are not always what they seem.

                           TEXT                                                                            MEANING 

  • What size bra do you take ?                              Your boobs look enormous..I’m a boob man!
  • What is it about younger men then ?              Please tell me it’s for the endless hours of sex
  • Hows your day going?                                        I’m bored and I am hoping you will cheer me up
  • What’s the youngest guy you have dated ?    I’m only 18 but my profile says 23
  • I’m hungover……………..                                     I am really horny and want hangover sex
  • Can I massage your feet ?                                  I have a foot fetish
  • I hope you can handle an American ?             I am a cocksure full of myself American
  • Stamina is my middle name!                            Same cocksure full of himself American
  • Do you have any naughty pictures ?               I want to have a wank over your pictures
  • Do you live alone ?                                              I still live with me mum
  • What are you looking for on here ?                 I just want no strings sex!  preferably right now!
  • I have a naughty picture for you                      No intentions of meeting I just get off sending dick pics and me wife’s just popped out!
  • What’s your favourite position?                       I am already imagining you naked and on your back/front/side/knees

I could go on and on but seriously!! So having sorted out the best of the bunch I usually suggest whats-app and maybe even a chat! The word chat clearly conjures up some form of ‘marriage ceremony’. There are those that  will arrange a time and just get on with it but others will avoid ‘the chat’ at all costs!. I am never sure if this is because they are just shy! or do in fact sound like David Beckham.

I recently made first contact with a seemingly nice guy on Bumble we had a text conversation and I suggested ‘the chat!’ That was two weeks ago I am still waiting. He also threw in a few unusual questions and I answered on impulse and am now wondering if there were some hidden meanings. Besides telling me that he wanted to achieve his ‘older woman’ merit badge he then threw in that he had a really naughty picture! I immediately sent him a picture of me in the “please don’t send me a picture of your dick tshirt”  This is proving to be a good deterrent to the inevitable purple and red offering.

His next question was “How do you feel about 9 ins ?” By now I was in the middle of cooking dinner so couldn’t be bothered to be clever and just answered “It’s better than 7”.  As there is still no sign of a phone call I am beginning to think that the poor guy is in possession of the smallest Penis in the history of the world and was testing me ! Ah well another one bites the dust. But seriously this texting business is a bloody minefield!.

Even when it does go well and dates are arranged things can still go awry. A guy I had every intention of meeting with, wanted reassurances that if we got on well on the first meeting that we would immediately get down to it. Now sometimes ..just sometimes the chemistry takes over and its ‘girl overboard’ but who can say until you have looked each other in the eye. I answered that unfortunately as I wasn’t a Washing Machine I didn’t come with a guaranteed spin cycle! Next….






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